It was one year ago, that I truly
knew the finality of these words. As I
watched you battle Cancer, I never
allowed the thoughts to enter my mind that you would never be able to once
again get into that Pacific Ocean and catch a wave, have a delicious dinner paired with a great
bottle of wine, get on another plane to
your beloved Hawaii, go down the coast
in your hot little red MG, be here to have Tequilla shots with our
family on Christmas day, or discuss that Turkey recipe you talked about with
your favorite Scotsman, see you with your buddy watching sports or your A&E
shows with that Scotch bottle and beer near at hand, quickly followed by talking cars or the
tribulations of having driven wives, watch you smoking cigars with your older
boys on a family vacation, being at another surf meet, ending a day having ice
cream or cookies in bed with me as we
excitedly awaited the new season of our favorite shows, me looking over at you behind the BBQ
preparing a great steak dinner for our friends,
or saying goodnight and that you Loved me.
If only you would have not tried to
protect me from your pain, and intuition that this was going to end badly. I would have tried to spend even more time
being at your side, to just sit and talk about our life together and the
memories that meant the most and those that would get me through the dark days
of mourning your loss. The intensity of
your pain was not something that I could feel or comprehend, as you were so
strong and didn’t want this burden you carried living in me each and every
day. Only when you could no longer
handle the pain on your own less than 10 days from your departure from this
earth, did I fully grasp the tragedy of seeing your body taken over by this
life destroying disease and that our yesterdays were now our history and
future.
As we neared the end, all I could do
was be there to hold your hand, remind you that I Loved You even when you could
no longer say the words yourself, have our dear family and friends come share
some last moments with you, shed the tears that needed to leave my body as I
held tightly on to one or all of our boys, fill the house with the sound of
Hawaiian music and remind myself that you were going to that beautiful place
with shining stars and remarkable sunsets, and would be with God and other family members who had left us
before you. I knew it would be your
happy place forever more with the most perfect waves and beauty beyond
compare.
It pained me so to let you go but,
it is what I know now is part of a master plan.
People may come and go but, the memories, the joy, and the feelings will
live on in all those you touched into eternity. Each generation of our family
will remember you through stories, pictures, or your personal possessions
passed on.
Those nearest to you and I have had
a year to reflect on the beauty of a man who was happy to stand and watch the
crowd without being the center of attention, one who would be there to cheer on
those he loved at a life event, a man who enjoyed capturing the most candid of
moments through your own lens, and a proud Hawaiian who lived with Aloha and
for the silence on a perfect wave finding your personal peace and happiness.
You told me long ago that should you
not be here for some reason one day that you wanted me to be happy, to look
forward and to love again. So, I know
you are looking down on me and telling the other angels, “ that’s my wife I
knew she would survive it.” This was a
life changing year in every way, and I did survive with tremendous love and
support. I somehow managed to thrive,
and now feel so incredibly alive once again.
This journey has made me see life through a clearer lens, as I know that
it can change and disappear in a split second.
My appreciation for everything is so much greater having been through
this life lesson. You are so very missed
by many but, will never be forgotten. I know you will always be sending me
blessings, as you have so many times this past year. I am certain you are
happy to see the path I am on.
I will from this day forward leave
my disappointments, regrets and grief of these past two years behind me
so, I can truly be happy, love to the fullest, and share all I’ve
learned with those special people that are a part of my life. I’ll keep your memories alive as we did with
our unforgettable Dinner on the Beach Wednesday evening celebrating you, where
many of us felt your presence. I’ll
keep you in my heart, and will go on living and loving with purpose the life
that was intended me with deepest gratitude for all that you brought to my
world. I’ll promise to “Live in the
Moment”, and be forever proud that I was Sam St. Germain’s wife , “Till Death Do Us Part” resonated in my soul.
