Reflections of Life, Love and Travel ---"Till Death Do Us Part"

It was one year ago, that I truly knew the finality of these words.   As I watched you battle Cancer,  I never allowed the thoughts to enter my mind that you would never be able to once again get into that Pacific Ocean and catch a wave,  have a delicious dinner paired with a great bottle of wine,  get on another plane to your beloved Hawaii,  go down the coast in  your hot little red MG,  be here to have Tequilla shots with our family on Christmas day, or discuss that Turkey recipe you talked about with your favorite Scotsman, see you with your buddy watching sports or your A&E shows with that Scotch bottle and beer near at hand,  quickly followed by talking cars or the tribulations of having driven wives, watch you smoking cigars with your older boys on a family vacation, being at another surf meet, ending a day having ice cream or cookies in bed with me as we  excitedly awaited the new season of our favorite shows,   me looking over at you behind the BBQ preparing a great steak dinner for our friends,  or saying goodnight and that you Loved me. 

If only you would have not tried to protect me from your pain, and intuition that this was going to end badly.  I would have tried to spend even more time being at your side, to just sit and talk about our life together and the memories that meant the most and those that would get me through the dark days of mourning your loss.  The intensity of your pain was not something that I could feel or comprehend, as you were so strong and didn’t want this burden you carried living in me each and every day.  Only when you could no longer handle the pain on your own less than 10 days from your departure from this earth, did I fully grasp the tragedy of seeing your body taken over by this life destroying disease and that our yesterdays were now our history and future.  

As we neared the end, all I could do was be there to hold your hand, remind you that I Loved You even when you could no longer say the words yourself, have our dear family and friends come share some last moments with you, shed the tears that needed to leave my body as I held tightly on to one or all of our boys, fill the house with the sound of Hawaiian music and remind myself that you were going to that beautiful place with shining stars and remarkable sunsets, and would be with  God and other family members who had left us before you.  I knew it would be your happy place forever more with the most perfect waves and beauty beyond compare. 

It pained me so to let you go but, it is what I know now is part of a master plan.  People may come and go but, the memories, the joy, and the feelings will live on in all those you touched into eternity. Each generation of our family will remember you through stories, pictures, or your personal possessions passed on. 

Those nearest to you and I have had a year to reflect on the beauty of a man who was happy to stand and watch the crowd without being the center of attention, one who would be there to cheer on those he loved at a life event, a man who enjoyed capturing the most candid of moments through your own lens, and a proud Hawaiian who lived with Aloha and for the silence on a perfect wave finding your personal peace and happiness. 

You told me long ago that should you not be here for some reason one day that you wanted me to be happy, to look forward and to love again.  So, I know you are looking down on me and telling the other angels, “ that’s my wife I knew she would survive it.”   This was a life changing year in every way, and I did survive with tremendous love and support.  I somehow managed to thrive, and now feel so incredibly alive once again.  This journey has made me see life through a clearer lens, as I know that it can change and disappear in a split second.  My appreciation for everything is so much greater having been through this life lesson.  You are so very missed by many but, will never be forgotten. I  know you will always be sending me blessings, as you have so many times this past year.  I  am certain you are happy to see the path I am on.  

I will from this day forward leave my disappointments, regrets and grief of these past two years behind me so,  I can truly be happy,  love to the fullest, and share all I’ve learned with those special people that are a part of my life.  I’ll keep your memories alive as we did with our unforgettable Dinner on the Beach Wednesday evening celebrating you, where many of us felt your presence.   I’ll keep you in my heart, and will go on living and loving with purpose the life that was intended me with deepest gratitude for all that you brought to my world.  I’ll promise to “Live in the Moment”, and be forever proud that I was Sam St. Germain’s wife ,  “Till Death Do Us Part”  resonated in my soul. 

Reflections of Life, Love and Travel ---“Love and Honesty”

No smoke screens here,  I believe in “Love and Honesty”.   Anyone who really knows me, knows that this is my M.O.    It is what makes me who I am.  

This philosophy lives deep within me, and I have applied it to all my relationships.   With the men who have shared my life, my children, my parents, my family, my friends and with my work relationships.  I find that it keeps me true to myself and my core beliefs.

When I love someone,  I definitely have distinct ways of showing when I’m happy, sad, or angry.  Regardless of whether the person receiving the information likes what they hear, they will always know that it is coming from my heart because I love them. 

Some of you reading this now, will be able to nod your head because you have been that person across the table or the room from me.  Close friends and family might even say, “don’t make that Puerto Rican mad.”   It does take a lot to make me angry but, it does happen on occasion.  My kids are definitely nodding their heads now.  I am happiest when I’m with a special someone who fuels my mind, body and soul from deep within, which makes me shine outwardly to all who know me.   I’ve always felt that being in love is an unbelievable feeling, and one that can have so many levels of intensity with different individuals. 

I do believe that honesty is a necessity to any relationship.   I know for me and most of my friends, once we begin to question the honesty of someone it quickly begins to peel away layers of  faith and trust instantly.   It is very hard to regain that unquestionable level of trust again, once betrayal or deceit has been discovered.   This applies to all levels of human relationships I’ve experienced.   With honesty, I’ve found that people always know what to expect from me and have respected me more for it. 

In personal relationships they know that I will tell them what is in my heart, and express it from a loving place.  I am always thinking of their safety, well-being, or future.  In business, my clients know that I have integrity and will not make promises I can’t keep or pretend to know something I don’t. 

As a parent, I’ve found that both love and honesty need to be expressed daily.   Even though, my sons and I have our disagreements I know that if I was gone tomorrow they would easily be able to say, “she loved me with all her heart and only wanted the best for me.”   I try to be their cheerleader, whenever the opportunity arises.  Although,  I know there is always room for improvement.  It is a two way street of showing love in verbal and non-verbal ways towards one another.   One simple way is by taking the initiative to help around our home.  It shows me that they love, respect me, and appreciate what I do for our family daily.  I can’t do it all, and a little help goes a very long way.  But, honesty lives on forever.  It allows you to truly know a person.

So, I pray that you may be so lucky to have incredible partners, family, friends, children, business collegues and other loved ones that make you feel as special as those that share their lives with me.  My motto is, “work hard, play hard, and love hard!”  It is through “Love and Honesty”, that I plan to continue living a long, experiential, and heartfelt existence until I am called home to see my maker in the heavens above.  

Reflections of Life, Love and Travel ---“Life and Death”

Once again these past few weeks have shown me, how life can be fleeting and so unfair for  many that are taken much  too soon from their beloved family and friends here on earth.   Unfortunately, every day is really about Life and Death. 

As I sat at a memorial service yesterday at the very same church where we sat almost a year ago to say our Aloha to my husband Sam, I had such sadness in my heart for the loss and pain my friend and her children had to bear as they said goodbye to their father, and ex-husband of 16 years and friend/partner of 26 years. 

It feels like yesterday that I walked down that aisle with a church full of family and friends. I once again recalled the pain in my heart, and the sadness in my soul on that day and for months following.  As the service began, it was hard to fight back the tears.   But this time the tears were not for me they were for my friend and my knowledge of the journey she and her children will be embarking on.  For I have learned so many life lessons through the loss of my husband.    I remembered the tears that flowed down my face that day, and how difficult it was to believe that this person who I loved would not walk in my front door or down the drive way again with his surfboard, make his sons laugh, make me smile, cook us dinner, surf another wave, play with our dogs, or enjoy a fun evening or vacation with our friends and family. 

However as Monsignor Barry said today, it doesn’t mean they are no longer with you or that you can’t talk to them any longer.  I have had many conversations with Sam over this past year.  He just can’t respond in person, or give me that “are you crazy look” any longer.  I do very much feel his presence in my life, his encouragement for me to move forward and be happy and to love once again.

I have learned over and over this year, that life is meant to be lived….really lived!  Time is a precious commodity! So many of us live on a treadmill of life, jumping off for a short time every once in awhile to appreciate our blessings, our families and friends, and the beauty surrounding us.   The joys shared with my friends and family this year have been many.   I know that Sam must be very proud of me and our boys for how we’ve traveled this road, and come out of the darkness and fog we felt much wiser and stronger than we could have imagined. Not to say, that there haven’t been set backs or difficult days at times.  But, with all the love we have received it made it so much easier to take one step at a time. Sam wanted love and happiness for us, and we have survived many firsts without him this year.   I have personally been reminded that life can be short more than I like, with the recent losses for my friends and family. 

On any given day, we can mourn the death of a good soul and simultaneously celebrate the joys of new babies being born to our friends, their children, and others.  It is truly, “the Circle of Life.”  There are many surprises in life,  I’ve chosen to embrace them because they are sometimes messages, gifts or guidance from those who have departed.   It will take time but, I believe I will one day understand them all.  

I will continue to” Live in the Moment” , by sharing  joy and compassion freely, living life large and loving deeply those that touch my heart,  for there is no guarantee of tomorrow.   

Reflections of Life, Love and Travel -"Memories"

Living in the Moment ---Reflections of Life, Love and Travel ---“Memories”

I know we all wonder as we get older,  where did all those years go?  Some things we remember as if they were yesterday, and others we can’t even recall.   It is through unforgettable experiences which brought us happiness, sadness, excitement, pain,  or elation that these memories become etched deep in our hearts.    It seems that some of the stupid silly things are the things that I seem to remember most.

As I think about  the 17 years I had with Sam, there are so many memories that I look back on daily that will bring a smile to my face, laughter to my soul, and sadness to my heart.  But, I wouldn’t  trade those years because they are the good and bad of life and the glue that kept us together.  It allowed us the time to build a beautiful family of those with our DNA and those without.   How lucky we were to have shared this time together!  I’m finding that It is true, you sometimes never fully appreciate someone until they are gone.  So now, I Thank him each day for being there for me then and now.   He is present in my heart every day and showing me the way of how to continue to live life and be happy.  That is without a doubt, what he wanted most of all was for me and our boys.  To live our lives,  and to be happy each and every day.  He  left us all, with a part of him .  He is now resting in his beautiful island home with his mother and grandparents  beside a beautiful Plumeria tree,  and he will forever live on through us and those he left with memories. 

I received a beautiful poem from a good friend before we took Sam home to Hawaii in May,  which speaks volumes to me of what I believe is the message Sam is sending me now.

 

A LIFE REMEMBERED

MISS ME….BUT, LET ME GO….

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me,

I want no rites in a gloom-filled room,

Why cry for a soul set free.

Miss me a little, but not too long,

And not with your head bowed low.

For this is a journey we all must take,

And each must go alone.

It’s all part of life’s plan,

A step on the road to home

When you are lonely and sick at heart,

Go to the family and friends we know,

And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds,

Miss me, but let me go

(Author unknown)

It may be a new chapter in my life that I am beginning now but, one that will move forward with all the beautiful memories we created and lessons learned from a good life with a great guy.  I know he is smiling down on me now knowing that I am going to be ok, and sending me his blessing to make new memories that also warm my heart and put a smile on my face

Another Birthday

In the Moment – Reflections of Life , Love and Travel  --“Another Birthday”

As I awoke this morning to another birthday,  I feel a sense of peace and joy in my soul.  My heart is so full of gratitude for the amazing friends and family in my life.  

It feels  different , not having Sam by my side as I woke up at sunrise on my Birthday today.   But, I’m not in heart wrenching sadness from it any longer.  I know he is out there watching over me.   I believe I’ve crossed a very important step in the year of firsts, with the help and love of many people near and far.

Birthday’s would not exist without that person that carried us who we call , “Mom”.   So a great big Thank You to my special Mom who brought me into this world,  and  who taught by example of  how to be a strong independent woman .  Through the years she has provided me with an abundance of love,  and instilled the knowledge that I could be anyone I wanted to be.    It’s because of her,  that I understand how to  live and love with a passion,  how to have confidence  in myself , and  how to not be afraid of the unknown.    Most of all,  believing that by taking chances I could achieve success and such amazing happiness. 

Over the past couple of days, I’ve been celebrating my Birthday with a few of my girlfriends.   I get so much pleasure from spending quality time with these incredible women.  They are all such a gift to me!  I can’t imagine my life without them.   Some girlfriends  I get to see more often than others  because they  live near me but, even  those I  only get  the chance to see when I travel or hear their voice on the phone  puts such a smile on my face when I think of them and all the wonderful memories that we have shared over my lifetime.   The bond I share with these ladies is one that I will treasure until the day I leave this earth.

I also give Thanks to the Lord up above for filling my life with people who I know are always going to be there for me.  I’ve seen it, and I know for a fact this is true!  I hope to have many more beautiful days and years ahead to share with those  I love and cherish.  In the meantime, I will continue to Live in the Moment,  dance the days and nights away to the sweet sounds of music,  travel the globe,  and be forever grateful to be sharing this journey with you. 

In The Moment, Reflections of Life , Love and Travel --"Exploding with Gratitude"

I find myself each year at this time, reflecting on how very lucky I feel to be living this life.   With the loss of my husband Sam this past year, some days I wonder how can I feel that I am “Exploding with Gratitude.”   

His passing has without a doubt, changed my whole perspective on life.   I see it through different eyes, as if the clarity has gone from having blinders on to better than 20-20.   I wake up each day wondering what I am going to do to create memorable moments.  I’ve always been an optimistic person but, now even more.  I truly believe that my life is being led by an incredible power from above and that Sam is having a hand in it as well.  I know in my heart, that Sam is in a beautiful place.  I am ready to move forward exploring, enjoying and fully appreciating my future.  Selfishly, I feel I deserve it too.

I know things happen in life to each and every one of us, that ultimately gives us a wake -up call.   I got mine over the last two years, with several difficult family losses.   My mind tells me they were all too young to be taken and if it can happen to them, then it can happen to anyone.   So, in their honor I am going to make my life magnificent for as many days as I have on earth.   

I feel that I have been in “bubble of love” over the past 17 months.  The love I have received from friends, business associates and family has been so immense that it’s hard to explain if you have not seen or experienced it.   But, those closest to me know that this love and happiness is healing my heart in so many ways. 

Life is longer for some than others, and a gift that our divine creator has provided us.  So I pray you find your path, follow it with a passion, give praise and rejoice in the beauty and blessings you receive.  May your heart (like mine) feel like it is, “Exploding with Gratitude.”   

Happy Easter and Passover to all.

Reflections of Life, Love and Travel -"Make Love Last"

I’ve learned that life can be short.  Be prepared for the unexpected, it can happen at any moment.  In the end, it truly is about those that we love.  We are not guaranteed tomorrow so, “Cherish every Moment, Love every moment, Embrace every possibility “(author unknown). Making love last is a lot of work, it doesn’t just happen.

When I reflect on my life, I realize the love I’ve personally experienced was paramount in providing me so many incredible memories.  I want my sons to one day understand it doesn’t have to be that difficult to keep a woman happy.  I pray that they will find the person that will love them for the very special individuals they are, and provide them the confidence of knowing that love can last.  I hope I have been a little bit of an example.  

There is so much fear associated with marriage now, when you hear the staggering divorce statistics.  Yes, it truly is a leap of faith when you take that important step.   There will be some detours and rough roads ahead but, it is so much better when you have a loving partner who can help you through life’s challenges. 

I hope they will consider some of my motherly advise;

·         Make sure you love her with all your heart.  When you do not want the next day to come without her being at your side you will know you have a “keeper.” Love cannot last otherwise.

·        Make sure you are her rock and best friend.  Be honest, loyal, supportive and protect her from harm. Without a doubt she will need your shoulders to cry on.  Hold her tight, and tell her you are there for her.

·         Bring her flowers at least once a month! It will always put a smile on her face.

·        Compliment her daily!  It only takes four words, “ You look so ..hot, beautiful, gorgeous, etc.  She will feel loved and appreciated, and show you in many ways how much she loves you back. 

·        Women love guys that cook so, please make sure to provide her with breakfast in bed or a nice dinner at least once a week.   Yes, BBQ is fine, it doesn’t have to be a gourmet meal.  There are plenty of good recipe websites and cookbooks.

·        Plan “date nights”.  We women are romantics, and it is a precursor to a much more enjoyable night for both parties

·        Dance with her.  It is a deal breaker for me personally.  So, get rid of the fear or shyness. Get lessons, shine your shoes and get your body moving.  The slow dances will be the reward. I think it is in your DNA.

·        Take pictures without complaining. It might be all she has left of you one day. Remember to smile for her.

·        Work hard, and do your share at home too.  Make sure you know what are her “must do’s ”. I’m sure picking your clothes off the floor and taking out the trash will be on that list. Get used to it.

·        Make her laugh often.  It breaks so much of life’s stress and tension, and will open her heart even more for you to grab a piece each time.

·        Create special memories. Take trips, party with friends and family and provide her some romantic ones to remember as well.  We girls run them in our heads, over and over again. Travel is like candy, it provides satisfaction to so many of our senses and you will always want more.

·       Apologize when you are wrong.  Don’t let resentment build from a past due apology, it won’t be worth it.

·        Remember to tell her daily how much you love and appreciate her.  Never leave the house without, a kiss Good-Bye and use those three words often. You will never regret saying …I Love You

I so wish you a special love that gives you the encouragement and strength to be the best you can be.  Practice these words, and I believe it will help you to “Make Love Last”.  You are the director in this picture we call “Life”.  My sons, you will have my love forever more.

March 28, 2014

Reflections of Life “Girlfriends are like Diamonds”

I am so incredibly fortunate to say, that I have several ladies that I call my very special girlfriends(BFF’s).  They have been there during my happiest of times to the saddest, and most tragic of times.   These are people that shine as bright as Diamonds in my life. 

Diamonds come in all shapes and sizes, and as we know so do friends.  It doesn’t matter which shape or size they might be because, they all play an integral part in your life.  They are  individually  there to provide as much love, joy, and laughter as you need at any given moment.  

They shine as bright as the stars and moon, at varying times to help carry you through life’s challenges.  I have seen that each friend brings their own very special talents to our friendship.  Some are the comedians when you need to laugh, some are the creative ones that can find just the right activity to distract you from your deepest sorrow, some are the ones that can make your taste buds salivate from the amazing dishes they put together for a fun girls night, some are the ones that you know always have your back personally, professionally , financially and even organize your house for you,  some will use their talents and be there for the very  last precious moments of  one’s life,  and then there are ones that will get on a dance floor with you and feel  that soul moving music as much as you and then will gently remind you to never do that move again.  But, most important of all is, they all are there to just listen and comfort you when you need to get through life’s difficult road.

These girlfriends are like a prism reflecting off of a multi-faceted diamond as it slowly turns. They encompass all colors, ethnic backgrounds and stages of life, from childhood through your lifetime.  They provide so many beautiful memories and shared experiences that you cannot help but smile, laugh or cry.

A diamond is the hardest mineral on earth, and these girlfriends are also the strongest of all.  They are the ones that you know will be with you through “thick or thin.”  I won’t say that everyone is scratch proof like a diamond but, they are less resistant to take something personal . They will not let you down, even if you are having a bad day and might not be “politically correct” or have accidentally offended them.  Although, I’ve found a quick apology is the best practice.   They get you, and understand that life isn’t always easy and you only share your “deepest “ feelings and emotions with them because they have been chosen to be a part of your inner circle. 

The relationship between girlfriends is one that most men do not understand.  Like the rarest diamonds in a variety of colors, these girlfriends are the rarest gems who enrich and support our mental well -being.  The best of them float to the top, just like a real diamond.  

I hope that you are blessed to have wonderful girlfriends in your life, as I do.  They each know how very much they mean to me and how much I love them. But, I want them to all know that my life especially now would not be the same without them.   If I haven’t told them enough, I want to remind them that I will be there for them whenever their life’s journey becomes difficult or derailed.  They are my most precious gem, and I will treasure them forever.

March 21, 2014

Reflections of Love

As I reflect back in time, I find that the pain and happiness of those years has been the barometer of how I have measured and conducted my adult relationships these past 37 years. 

It’s hard to find words to explain the many ways that those days forever changed my life.   A chunk of my heart has been stolen away, never to be seen or found by any other.   The highs were high, and the lows were emotionally so very hard to bear.  Many days were spent wondering what I could do to make the pain disappear.   In the grieving process, I have found only time can heal those wounds in the most healthiest of ways.  The loss of love, is one thing I will never get accustomed to in this lifetime.  But, now clearly understand that God has my destiny planned.   He only allows me small choices, the big ones are in his hands.

Love shows itself in so many ways and intensities.  Passion can be wonderful, intoxicating and the most overwhelming feeling in the world.  It changes your state of mind and being, and causes one to feel as if it is a drug that you can’t do without.  This is why matters of the heart, can make a person loose themselves if not of a stable state of mind.  When you love with all your heart and are naïve, it opens the door for many life lessons.  Not ones that you wish on everyone but, yet almost do so they can understand the power of this kind of love.  

I have been lucky to experience love several times in my life.  Each relationship helped me to become the person that I am today.  Without those experiences “good or bad”,  I would not be the same individual.  The pain taught me to be stronger, less naïve, more accepting of compromise, more patient, how to hold my tongue and definitely less reliant on another being for happiness.   The happiness showed me what greatness and completeness can be felt when shared with the one you love if you allow yourself to love deeply, with intention and most of all fearlessly.  

I know that life can be short, and I intend to follow my heart to where and whomever it leads me to feel it is overflowing with joy, where my smile is  as bright at the Diamond Head Lighthouse,  where my deepest laughter brings tears to my eyes, where my sense of being is soul arousing like the most heartfelt song by Lionel Richie, where my mind is calmed  with the knowledge that my life continues to be  in God’s hands, and that he will walk with me as I follow this new road that he lays before me with excitement ,  curiosity and maybe a bit of apprehension toward my unknown future.