I still find myself many days trying to understand why my
life has taken such an unexpected detour.
How did this awful disease enter Sam’s body and consume it, as if it was
a welcomed guest. All the while, slowly
taking away the best of his human spirit, beauty, and dignity. It is still so painful for me, to relive the
last days of watching him fade away into a slow never to return sleep.
The happy memories and life we built keep me going day to
day but, then one shared life experience comes to mind and I am once again
teary eyed. The emotion that sweeps into
my mind and heart seems like it will not ever go away, no matter how hard I
try. I know being happy within myself and time are the only
things that will eventually allow me to be at peace with his loss. How much time, is the magic question? I
started to take steps into a new life, only to be pulled back by unknown
forces. This was something that I was
also unprepared for at this junction in time.
These feelings have caused me to make decisions that will
once again forever impact my future.
Through the ups and downs of life, there have always been people that
have played a role in creating the individual I am. There are many family, friends and special
men who have shown their love and devotion for me but, I understand more
clearly that like Sam some are meant to be a part of me with a pre-determined
time and place in my life’s journey.
I now see the individual that I am today is so very
different from the young girl getting started in the adult world. My life experiences have made me stronger,
less needy, less naïve, less accepting, more controlling, more judgmental and
more determined to build the life I envisioned for my years ahead. My quest is
still unfolding before my eyes each new day. Especially as I bid farewell to
another year, that has shown me strength, enlightenment, love, sadness,
happiness and so much beauty from the people I have surrounded myself with each
day. As well as, throughout my travels to Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Cancun, Los Cabos, Hawaii and the incredible
awe-inspiring Italy.
Following my heart and intuition have always played
important roles in my life so, it is with this trust that I continue on the
road to healing this broken heart. I
will keep reminding myself every day of this New Year that if, I look up at the
stars and the moon I will find a special heart filled with love for me to get
me through the difficult moments of those days which make me question “why””
once again. I realize that as we walk our journey both the happiness and
sadness we endure creates character building moments in this lifetime.
I have faith in God,
and believe he, Sam and the
angels above will continue to guide me until I sit on my own star one day
whispering to those I love from that great big universe far beyond. So until then my philosophy of Living in the
Moment will be as stated by Dr. Seuss, “Don’t Cry because it’s over, Smile
because it happened. “
During those times of sadness, I wish us strength to push
ourselves over the mountain peaks so, we can always see the beauty of the
valleys that lie before us. I believe
the future is bright, and know this will be another year filled with hard work,
soul searching and exciting adventures that I intend to embrace with a renewed
enthusiasm. I am forever grateful for you
being a part of my life story.
